Views On Sex, and Shopping
*Emotional Knapsack*
Sigh~ Its my birthday and thakfully I don't have to spend it in my training camp *yeah I'm undergoing training... Far away from my base camp* For you peeps that don't know where I am... I'm in the R.O.K Army artillery Geodetic survey division... *yeah life sucks* Currently undergoing 2.5 weeks of training at the R.O.K artillery school. Will be back in base camp by the 18th of Nov...
I actually wanted to blog about my army life but unfortunately, I left my notes back in my locker so you peeps wil just have to wait till Jan~ *My next leave* So till then I leave you with ...
*My views On Sex, and Shopping*
Have you ever noticed that while most women say that they are uncomfortable with the whole fact of having sex and male voyeurism, it is often the women who instigate this?
An example of this is when a man and a woman are first going to make love/see each other naked. For a man, the way that his brain works is it goes on external stimuli, what he can see, hear, taste, so on and so forth. The woman can dress up which way that she wants, and parade in front of the man, as if to say, “look at me, I am beautiful!” Of course the men see it that way, the women ARE beautiful!
Which is why he gets so turned on by the erotic movies and pornographic magazines.
Men want it constantly, or at least they think they do. The problem is that more often than not, men are in tight fitting clothes from work. The fabric will rub across the head of the penis, of course making them hard, and very uncomfortable, as the blood will not have had a chance to dissipate, and lessen the pressure.
For a woman this doesn’t happen. Yes, she gets stimulated and perhaps even a little wet, but the outwards showing of the arousal is not that apparent.
Yet, for us poor guys we will have the biggest tenting that you will ever see, and for the man that is going out with his girlfriend or wife, woe is he, if she ever sees it.
The woman herself is slightly insecure after having to try to compare herself to Christy Turlington, Anna Kournakova, so on and so fourth. Yet, the common media practice is to have these women plastered everywhere and anywhere for the common consumer to buy these products.
So the poor male will unassumedly walk down the street with his sweetie in his arms, and be assaulted with visuals of models for Victoria Secret. The companies WANT men to buy these products to dress up their wives in, yet if we do TRY to look at the said models, our wife/girlfriend will assume that we are being unfaithful.
“WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T HAVE? DOES SHE MAKE YOU HOT? WHY ARE YOU OGGLING HER?”
I mean for us poor guys what are we supposed to say, “Yes, I do have a fantasy of bonking Rebecka Romaijn Stamos, and I get a hard on over the fact that she is naked and covered in blue house paint?”
If we try to make it up with something sweet, like say, chocolate. The wife/girlfriend will not see the fact that us poor guys were just trying to give them something good to eat, instead its:
“OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HERE? AM I FAT, IS THAT IT, OR MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO BE FAT, IT’S THAT I’M TOO SKINNY?”
Instead we should have just gone shopping for our woman, but yet again that brings up a whole other mess.
It appears that no matter what we get our lover/wife, there is something wrong with it.
Lets say that we pick out a negligee or even a sweater. If we were to go with the sweater route, it wouldn’t matter that you are living in Korea and that it’s cold for six months out of the year. The problem will be that
IT’S NOT THE RIGHT COLOR. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, ARE YOU ASHAMED OF MY BODY, DO YOU WANT ME TO HIDE MY BODY UNDER LAYERS OF WOOL? ANGORA, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THOSE POOR RABBITS!
So, instead we go for the negligee route. YOU THINK THAT I’D LOOK GOOD IN THAT? THAT WILL NEVER SUIT ME, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE A WHORE, AM I WHORISH TO YOU? IT’S WINTER I’LL FREEZE IF I PUT THAT ON!
In a moment of flash judgment, we decide not to go for the clothing. And instead opt for a card or something of that sort.
WHAT! NO GIFT? WERE YOU NOT THINKING ABOUT ME ON OUR SPECIAL DAY? A CARD IS SOMETHING THAT YOU GET AT THE $1.00 DEPOT; THERE ARE MILLIONS OF THEM!
If it’s flowers:
LOVELY, WE HAVE TO GET THESE IN WATER, OTHERWISE THEY’LL DIE. DID YOU REALLY WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING THAT WILL DIE? IS THAT WHAT OUR LOVE MEANS TO YOU, SOMETHING THAT WILL WITHER AWAY AND DIE?”
So, fed up with everything, we decide to go the coward’s way out and do nothing:
WHAT AM I UNIMPORTANT TO YOU? DO YOU NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO DO ONE SIMPLE THING? I CAN SEE WHERE I STAND ON THIS RELATIONSHIP!
In all likelihood this is when the relationship will end, and the two of you part ways. So then; we poor, lonely, dejected men will go drown ourselves in whatever libation that we prefer, and try to meet someone special.
When we do, we then have to go through the whole mess again…
*Time For a Laugh*
His and her definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.
GLASS CEILING (glass see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up any other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad,
prior to tossing it out.
Sigh~ Its my birthday and thakfully I don't have to spend it in my training camp *yeah I'm undergoing training... Far away from my base camp* For you peeps that don't know where I am... I'm in the R.O.K Army artillery Geodetic survey division... *yeah life sucks* Currently undergoing 2.5 weeks of training at the R.O.K artillery school. Will be back in base camp by the 18th of Nov...
I actually wanted to blog about my army life but unfortunately, I left my notes back in my locker so you peeps wil just have to wait till Jan~ *My next leave* So till then I leave you with ...
*My views On Sex, and Shopping*
Have you ever noticed that while most women say that they are uncomfortable with the whole fact of having sex and male voyeurism, it is often the women who instigate this?
An example of this is when a man and a woman are first going to make love/see each other naked. For a man, the way that his brain works is it goes on external stimuli, what he can see, hear, taste, so on and so forth. The woman can dress up which way that she wants, and parade in front of the man, as if to say, “look at me, I am beautiful!” Of course the men see it that way, the women ARE beautiful!
Which is why he gets so turned on by the erotic movies and pornographic magazines.
Men want it constantly, or at least they think they do. The problem is that more often than not, men are in tight fitting clothes from work. The fabric will rub across the head of the penis, of course making them hard, and very uncomfortable, as the blood will not have had a chance to dissipate, and lessen the pressure.
For a woman this doesn’t happen. Yes, she gets stimulated and perhaps even a little wet, but the outwards showing of the arousal is not that apparent.
Yet, for us poor guys we will have the biggest tenting that you will ever see, and for the man that is going out with his girlfriend or wife, woe is he, if she ever sees it.
The woman herself is slightly insecure after having to try to compare herself to Christy Turlington, Anna Kournakova, so on and so fourth. Yet, the common media practice is to have these women plastered everywhere and anywhere for the common consumer to buy these products.
So the poor male will unassumedly walk down the street with his sweetie in his arms, and be assaulted with visuals of models for Victoria Secret. The companies WANT men to buy these products to dress up their wives in, yet if we do TRY to look at the said models, our wife/girlfriend will assume that we are being unfaithful.
“WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T HAVE? DOES SHE MAKE YOU HOT? WHY ARE YOU OGGLING HER?”
I mean for us poor guys what are we supposed to say, “Yes, I do have a fantasy of bonking Rebecka Romaijn Stamos, and I get a hard on over the fact that she is naked and covered in blue house paint?”
If we try to make it up with something sweet, like say, chocolate. The wife/girlfriend will not see the fact that us poor guys were just trying to give them something good to eat, instead its:
“OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HERE? AM I FAT, IS THAT IT, OR MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO BE FAT, IT’S THAT I’M TOO SKINNY?”
Instead we should have just gone shopping for our woman, but yet again that brings up a whole other mess.
It appears that no matter what we get our lover/wife, there is something wrong with it.
Lets say that we pick out a negligee or even a sweater. If we were to go with the sweater route, it wouldn’t matter that you are living in Korea and that it’s cold for six months out of the year. The problem will be that
IT’S NOT THE RIGHT COLOR. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, ARE YOU ASHAMED OF MY BODY, DO YOU WANT ME TO HIDE MY BODY UNDER LAYERS OF WOOL? ANGORA, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THOSE POOR RABBITS!
So, instead we go for the negligee route. YOU THINK THAT I’D LOOK GOOD IN THAT? THAT WILL NEVER SUIT ME, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE A WHORE, AM I WHORISH TO YOU? IT’S WINTER I’LL FREEZE IF I PUT THAT ON!
In a moment of flash judgment, we decide not to go for the clothing. And instead opt for a card or something of that sort.
WHAT! NO GIFT? WERE YOU NOT THINKING ABOUT ME ON OUR SPECIAL DAY? A CARD IS SOMETHING THAT YOU GET AT THE $1.00 DEPOT; THERE ARE MILLIONS OF THEM!
If it’s flowers:
LOVELY, WE HAVE TO GET THESE IN WATER, OTHERWISE THEY’LL DIE. DID YOU REALLY WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING THAT WILL DIE? IS THAT WHAT OUR LOVE MEANS TO YOU, SOMETHING THAT WILL WITHER AWAY AND DIE?”
So, fed up with everything, we decide to go the coward’s way out and do nothing:
WHAT AM I UNIMPORTANT TO YOU? DO YOU NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO DO ONE SIMPLE THING? I CAN SEE WHERE I STAND ON THIS RELATIONSHIP!
In all likelihood this is when the relationship will end, and the two of you part ways. So then; we poor, lonely, dejected men will go drown ourselves in whatever libation that we prefer, and try to meet someone special.
When we do, we then have to go through the whole mess again…
*Time For a Laugh*
His and her definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.
GLASS CEILING (glass see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturer makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up any other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad,
prior to tossing it out.
posted by dON Lee at 4:06 PM
15 Comments:
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SplaTT's Blog: The dismissal of old media? On the 9th and 10th of November, I had the great honour of being on a panel at this years ACMA Broadcasting Conference which was held in the Australian capital, ...
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After 16 nights battling urban violence by rioters, Jacques Chirac's government is confronting angry new protests - from the police themselves.
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Wow at long last an update ! Whahha Nice one again dude looking forward to more blogging when ya gots the time.
Regards
Chanster
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13 WORST SCIENCE JOBS
(Popular Science best 2003-7)
ELEPHANT VASECTOMIST
What’s one foot across and sits behind two inches of skin, four inches of fat and 10 inches of muscle? That’s right: an elephant’s testicle. Which means veterinarian Mark Stetter’s newest invention—a four-foot-long fiber-optic laparoscope attached to a video monitor—has to be a heavy-duty piece of equipment to sterilize a randy bull pachyderm. Stetter, the head doc at Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida, created the device to help control elephants in African wildlife parks, where the jumbos have been breeding too quickly and eating up more than their share of the surrounding habitat. The snipping began last summer when Stetter and his team field-tested the device on four unsuspecting bulls at the Welgevonden Private Game Reserve in South Africa. After a pachyderm was sedated with a dart from a helicopter, the team used a crane truck to pull the sleeping beast upright. Four-inch incisions were made, and the laparoscope was inserted into the abdomen near the reproductive organs (an elephant’s testicles are on the inside, like ovaries). When he located the centimeter-thick vas deferens—the tube that carries semen from the testicles to the penis—Stetter inserted a long pair of scissors through the scope and cut out a two- or three-inch section. So far, the method seems to be working. The first four test subjects survived the ordeal with no complications (except the possibility of bruised pride). If things go the way Stetter plans, elephants throughout southern Africa will soon be crossing their legs in fear: He has begun training other field vets to perform the procedure, and hopes to have multinational trials up and running soon.
ORANGUTAN-PEE COLLECTOR
Their work is noninvasive—for the apes, that is . . . "Have I been pissed on? Yes," says anthropologist Cheryl Knott of Harvard University. Knott is a pioneer of "noninvasive monitoring of steroids through urine sampling." Translation: Look out below! For the past 11 years, Knott and her colleagues have trekked into Gunung Palung National Park in Borneo, Indonesia, in search of the endangered primates. Once a subject is spotted, they deploy plastic sheets like a firemen's rescue trampoline and wait for the tree-swinging apes to go see a man about a mule. For more pee-catching precision, they attach bags to poles and follow beneath the animals. "It's kind of gross when you get hit, but this is the best way to figure out what's going on in their bodies," Knott says.
ANAL-WART RESEARCHER
“I see about 15 butts a day, and a third of them have warts,” says nurse practitioner Naomi Jay of the University of California at San Francisco. Jay and infectious-disease doc Joel Palefsky were the first to run extensive clinical studies on the sexually transmitted diseases that afflict the anus. “He’s the tushie king, and I’m the tushie queen,” Jay boasts. Each of us has about a 10 percent lifetime risk of contracting anal warts, the worst variety of which—enemy number one storming the battlements of Jay’s royal domain—is human papillomavirus. This same STD that can cause cervical cancer in women also causes anal cancer in both genders. And the only way to detect this rare but deadly disease is to ask a highly trained nurse like Jay to scrutinize your derrière. “A giant anal wart can be a couple inches large and blocking the anal opening,” Jay says with her customary vigor. The bright side? “In 13 years I’ve only been pooped on twice, and that’s not bad.”
SEMEN WASHERS
It's a job that separates the boys from the men, OK, OK, their real job title is usually something like "cryobiologist" or "laboratory technician," but at sperm banks around the country, they are known as semen washers. "Every time I interview someone I make sure I ask them, 'Do you know you'll be working with semen?' " says Diana Schillinger, the Los Angeles lab manager at the country's largest sperm bank, California Cryobank. Let's start at the beginning. Laboriously prescreened "donors" emerge from a so-called collection room that is stocked with girlie mags and triple-X DVDs. They hand over their deposit, get their $75, and leave. The semen washers take the seminal goo and place a sample under the microscope for a sperm count. Next comes the washing. The techs spin the sample in a centrifuge to separate the "plasma" from the motile cells. Then they add a preservative, and it's off to the freezer, where it can stay for 20 years. Or not. Thanks to semen washers (and in vitro fertilization), more than 250,000 babies have been delivered in the U.S. since 1995.
"The hardest part is explaining it to friends," Schillinger says. "But we do have stories." Like what? "Like the donor who was in the room for the longest time. We had a big discussion about who was going to check on him. Turns out he thought he had to fill up the entire specimen cup."
WHALE FECES RESEARCHER
They scoop up whale dung, then dig through it for clues
“Brown stain ahoy!” is not the cry most mariners long to hear, but for Rosalind Rolland, a senior researcher at the New England Aquarium in Boston, it’s a siren song. Rolland, along with a few lucky research assistants, combs Nova Scotia’s Bay of Fundy looking for endangered North Atlantic right whales. Actually, she’s not really looking for the whales—just their poo. “It surprised even me how much you can learn about a whale through its feces.”
Rolland pioneered whale-feces research in 1999. By 2003, she was frustrated by the small number of samples her poo patrol was collecting by blindly chasing whales on the open ocean. So she began taking along sniffer dogs that can detect whale droppings from as far as a mile away. When they bark, she points her research vessel in the direction of the brown gold, and as the boat approaches the feces—the excrement usually stays afloat for an hour after the deed is done and can be bright orange and oily depending on the type of plankton the whale feeds on—Rolland and her crew begin scooping up as much matter as they can using custom-designed nets. Samples are then placed in plastic jars and packed in ice (the largest chunks are just over a pound) to be shared with other researchers across North America. “We’ve literally been in fields of right-whale poop,” she marvels.
In the past few years, other whale researchers have adopted Rolland’s methods. Nick Gales of the Australia Antarctic Division now plies the Southern Ocean looking for endangered blue-whale dung, a pursuit that in 2003 led him to a scientific first. While tailing a minke whale, Gale’s team photographed what is believed to be the first bout of whale flatulence caught on film—a large, disconcertingly pretty bubble trailing behind the whale like an enormous jellyfish. “We stayed away from the bow after taking the picture,” Gales recalls. “It does stink.”
TAMPON SQUEEZER
If you’re interested in researching vaginal infections, you can do scrapes or urine tests, or you can draw samples with a pipette. Or you can collect your specimens from tampons. As Australian microbiologist Suzanne Garland and her team at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Victoria discovered, tampons are best for epidemiological studies of sexually transmitted diseases in large populations, because women are more likely to cooperate with a test that is familar and self-inserted rather than one that must be administered by a doctor.
Normally, researchers would use a centrifuge to extract fluids to be tested. But this is the one way in which the tampon is not an optimal specimen-collecting tool, because its true purpose is to hold liquid in. “Optimal recovery,” Garland says, “requires manual squeezing.”
HAZMAT DIVER
“The worst was at a factory pig farm,” says Steven M. Barsky, the author of Diving in High-Risk Environments, the industry bible for hazardous-materials divers. “A guy had driven his truck into the waste lagoon and drowned. Not only was it full of urine and liquid pig feces, the farmer had dumped all the needles used to inject the pigs with antibiotics and hormones in there.” Someone had to recover the body, and the task fell to commercial hazmat divers.
Outfitted with fully encapsulating drysuits, these Jacques Cousteaus of the sewers swim into clouds of waste, inside nuclear reactors and through toxic spills on America’s coasts and inland waterways. When the Environmental Protection Agency identifies pollutants, it contracts with a hazmat team to clean things up. That means using giant vacuums to suck up a polluted lakebed, hoisting leaking barrels to the surface, or diving into the heart of an oil spill or into a sewer to fix a clog. It’s dangerous work—one breach in the drysuit, and a whole stew of bacteria and toxins can fill ’er up. Jesse Hutton, of Ballard Salvage and Diving in Seattle, has seen his share of close calls. “I’ve been on jobs where suits have been breached by rough steel or something sharp,” he says, pointing out that divers must keep their shots up to date.
MANURE INSPECTOR
The smell is just the start of the nastiness. Almost 1.5 billion tons of manure are produced annually by animals in this country—90 percent of it from cattle. That's the same weight as 14,432 Nimitz-class aircraft carriers. You get the point: It's a load of crap. And it's loaded with nasty contaminants like campylobacter (the number-one cause of acute gastroenteritis in the U.S.), salmonella (the number-two cause) and E.coli 0157:H7, which can cause kidney failure in children and painful, bloody diarrhea in everybody else.
Farmers fertilize their fields with manure, but if the excrement is rife with E.coli, then so will be the vegetables. Luckily for us, researchers at the University of Georgia's Center for Food Safety are knee-deep in figuring out how to eliminate these bacteria from our animals, their poop and our food. But to develop techniques to neutralize the nasty critters, they must go to the source.
"We have to wade through a lot of poop," concedes Michael Doyle, the center's director. "If you want to get the manure, you've got to grab it. Even when you wear gloves, the fecal smell tends to get embedded in your skin." Hog poop smells the worst, Doyle says, but it's chicken poop's chokingly high ammonia content that brings tears to researchers' eyes.
FLATUS ODOR JUDGE
Odor judges are common in the research labs of mouthwash companies, where the halitosis-inflicted blow great gusts of breath in their faces to test product efficacy. But Minneapolis gastroenterologist Michael Levitt recently took the job to another level—or, rather, to the other end. Levitt paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odors of other people's farts. (Levitt refuses to divulge the remuneration, but it would seem safe to characterize it thusly: Not enough.) Sixteen healthy subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and insert small plastic collection tubes into their anuses (worst-job runners-up, to be sure). After each "episode of flatulence," Levitt syringed the gas into a discrete container, rigorously maintaining fart integrity. The odor judges then sat down with at least 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. As their faces writhed in agony, they rated just how noxious the smell was. The samples were also chemically analyzed, and—eureka!—Levitt determined definitively the most malodorous component of the human flatus: hydrogen sulfide.
DYSENTERY STOOL-SAMPLE ANALYZER
In the early '80s, Virginia Tech profs Tracy Wilkins and David Lyerly studied the diarrhea-causing microbe Clostridium difficile in sample after sample after sample of loose stool from the disease's victims. They became such crack dysentery docs that they launched a company, Techlab, dedicated to making stool-analysis kits. Today, Techlab employs 40 people, 19 of whom spend their working hours opening sloppy stool canisters and analyzing their contents in order to test the effectiveness of the company's kits. You'd have to have a pretty good sense of humor, right? Well, fortunately, they do. The Techlab Web site sells T-shirts with cartoons on the front (two flies hover over two blobs of dung; one says to the other, "Pardon me, is this stool taken?") and the company motto on the back: "Techlab: #1 in the #2 Business!"
BARNYARD MASTURBATOR
Researchers who want animal sperm —to study fertility or for artificial insemination—have a suite of attractive options: They can ram an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shove an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply do it the old-fashioned way—manual stimulation. The first option, electroejaculation, uses a priapic rectal probe to send electricity pulsing through the animal's nether regions. "All the normal excitatory signals that stimulate ejaculation, like touch, sight, sound and smell, can be replaced with the current from the probe," says Trish Berger, professor of animal science at the University of California, Davis. "It's fascinating. Of course, this is a woman talking." Electroejaculation generally requires anesthetizing the animal and is typically used on zoo dwellers. The other two methods—the artificial vagina, or AV, and the good old hand—require that animals be trained to the procedure.
The AV—a large latex tube coated with warm lubricant —is used primarily to get sperm from dairy bulls (considered the most ornery and dangerous of bovines). The bull gets randy with a steer; when he mounts the steer with his forelegs, a brave technician, AV in hand, insinuates himself between the two aroused beasts and deftly redirects the bull penis into the mock genitalia, which he must then hold tight while the bull orgasms. (Talk about bull riding!) Three additional technicians attempt to ensure this (fool)hardy soul's safety by anchoring themselves to restraining ropes attached to a ring in the bull's nose. Alas, this isn't always absolutely effective: Everyone who's wielded an AV has had at least one close call, and more than a few have been sent to the hospital. The much safer "digital pressure" is used mostly with pigs, who are trained from an early age to mount a small bench while the researcher reaches around with a gloved hand and provides appropriate pleasure—er, pressure.
WORM PARASITOLOGIST
Studying worm parasites isn’t nearly as bad as playing host to them. But here’s an essential distinction: The medicos who go into this line—God bless ’em—do it by choice. Supported by the World Health Organization and various international charities, they travel to the tropics to eradicate diseases that afflict millions of people. Yet although we’re regularly treated to tales of Ebola warriors, we rarely hear about the tribulations of the worm docs.
For instance . . . Ascaris lumbricoides eggs hatch in the small intestine, then migrate to the lungs; they’re coughed into the mouth and swallowed back to the gut, where each worm will grow as long as 16 inches and where each female will lay billions of eggs to be defecated forth so that a new cycle of life can begin. (The adults can exit this way too, in a large bolus that resembles a tangle of spaghetti.) The Wuchereria bancrofti worm sometimes settles in the scrotum, where it blocks the flow of lymph. This can result in elephantiasis, a wretched condition that features scrotal swelling to jack-o’-lantern proportions and an infection that reeks of death. Moving right along . . . the female Dracunculus medinensis migrates from the gut to a point just under the skin of, say, a leg, where she then commences growth to a length of as great as three feet, and where, ultimately, she lays her eggs.
When the thousands of babies make their joyous arrival, they blister the skin and pop through, leaving Mom behind. The traditional way to get rid of her is to wrap her head around a stick and twist very slowly—one turn of the stick per day—for weeks or months, depending on how long she is. (This treatment is so old that it inspired the ancient snake-and-pole aesculapius symbol of medicine.)
CARCASS CLEANER
Natural history museums display clean white skeletons or neatly stuffed animals, but what their field biologists drag in are carcasses flush with rotting flesh. Each museum's taxidermist has his own favorite technique for tidying things up. University of California, Berkeley, zoologist Robert Jones swears by his strain of flesh-eating buffalo-hide beetles and has no problem reaching his bare hand into a drawer to pull out a rancid shrew skeleton swarming with thousands of these quarter-inch bugs. Jeppe Møhl at the University of Copenhagen Zoological Museum deposits sperm whales and dolphins into vast empty tanks and lets nature take its course. And then there's the boiling method, useful for chemically preserved samples that bugs won't touch—an approach favored by archaeologist Sandra Olsen, who has done her own skeleton work. She recalls a particularly vivid experience boiling down hyena paws: "It felt like inhaling the gases would literally kill us." Nah. It merely gave her a lung infection.
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